Have you ever pushed someone to do something they did not want to do or did not have the ability to do? Pushed and pushed and got no results? Or poor-quality results at best, mixed with a good dose of resentment? I surely have, and I suspect you have too.
Personally, I find it challenging to remember not to push. But my life has recently been giving me powerful reminders:

Work
By nature, I thrive on multitasking and marking items off my list. I am the person who puts something back on my list after finishing it just so I can feel the satisfaction of checking it off my list again. (A bit beyond obsessive, perhaps?) I also suffer from impatience and forgetting that tasks done incorrectly are teaching opportunities.
Recently, I realized I needed to stop pushing others to fit my mold of getting things done and checked off their lists. Nobody likes to be pushed; it tends to frazzle even the best of us. I needed to slow down, give more direction and guidance, and be a teacher for my team. I knew that when I could allow my team’s unique gifts to shine, focusing on how to use their best qualities, we would all benefit from a stellar work product.

Kids
Next up was me pushing my son, Blaine, to memorize his multiplication tables. My initial strategy of making him re-write the tables before taking a test was failing. He was miserable, and I was distraught with my own pushing.
One day, Blaine got up and started tossing a soccer ball against the living room wall while singing his table of 6’s (see video). Watching him, I flashed back to his unconventional ways of reading in first grade and his teacher’s concern that he might be unable to read. Surprised at her concern, I noted that Blaine could read just fine at home. Laughing, I told her I let him read upside down on the couch. She was intrigued by my technique, and together we figured out that Blaine was having trouble focusing when the teacher’s pushing and pressuring him to read was making him uncomfortable.
Flash forward . . . I suddenly realized I’d been taking the same pressuring approach with Blaine’s multiplication tables. So, the other night when he suggested we play basketball at his sister’s soccer practice, I played ball with him as he sang his multiplication tables. I’m proud to say that after only a few weeks’ practice, he has them down pat.

Empowered with our new approach, I asked Blaine how he wants to keep his reading and writing muscles strong during the summer. He said, “I love to write when given an assignment, and Audrey does book reports. Can we do that, too?” So, we chose a book he had just bought, and he plans on doing a book report this summer.
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Letting Blaine lead the way has been a success; he’s shining! 

When Even Allowing and Letting Go Does Not Work
As my Grandmother lives her final days of life, I am reminded that allowing may not always work and that, in that case, letting go is necessary. For three years, I have allowed my Grandmother to make her own decisions, only trumping her when her safety was on the line. In the past few months, however, she has resisted further care despite her need for it. When I’ve hired people to help, she’s kicked them out.
Most recently, I’ve had to hire 24/7 care because she’s begun experiencing panic attacks due to her inability to walk and care for her basic needs. Even though the increased care is to honor her request to keep living at home, she is resisting and complaining and making it hard to help. Out of respect to her spirit, I am staying on the sidelines and taking care of all the details behind the scenes, realizing she is fearful of the uncertainty of her last days. I’m letting go of needing to make her happy. I’m letting go of the need for her validation that I am doing a good job. I’m letting go of wanting her care to be perfect. I’m letting go of caring what others are saying. I’m letting go fully and completely. Instead, I’m focusing on loving her. Having compassion for her fear. Focusing on the beautiful memories.
I wrote the above prior to making another trip to see my Grandmother. My intention was to let go of any outcome, and my mission was to shower her with love. Upon my arrival, my Grandmother asked, “Why are you here?” When I answered that I had come to give her love in her time of pain, I could see her physically soften. That I had no agenda gave her peace.

In our visit, my Grandmother was able to give me instructions and paperwork for distributing all her possessions. She gave me, her only granddaughter, all her jewelry, much of it personally designed and created by her. She also gave me her wedding bands from her marriage to my paternal grandfather I never knew and to the grandfather I always knew as Grandpa. She had been holding on until she could release all these items into safekeeping.
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My Grandmother was letting go with grace, and I could feel her peacefulness. She signed the do-not-resuscitate form and asked to just take a pill since she was ready to go. I had to laugh and say, “Grandma, you can’t just take a pill. You have to go naturally.” Then she asked to stop taking her medication. So now we are keeping her comfortable and letting nature take its course.
My Grandmother and I are both allowing life to unfold with peace, love, and grace.

Show Up with Love
I used to think that allowing and letting go is enough. Though they are both essential, I learned from my Grandmother that showing up with love is the remaining piece to the puzzle, a lesson I’ll be eternally grateful for. It causes me to reflect now on other areas I am pushing or holding onto, not allowing the natural flow. I give myself compassion for forgetting, and when I remember times I’ve forgotten, I begin again. I know in my heart that if I allow it, love will open the door for grace and peace to flow.

Do you have something you could allow versus push, or something you desperately need to let go of? Why not give it a try? And whenever in doubt, just show up with love.

Has the circle of life ever taken you on a roller coaster ride? As I write this, my grandmother is in her final stage of life in hospice care and my daughter is in her last month of elementary school. One moment I am fine, and the next I’m a hot crying mess as memories of good times now past descend on me. Fundamentally, I accept life and death and the changes happening so fast as my kids grow up. But somehow as I sit between the opposite ends of life—my beloved grandmother’s impending death and my daughter’s new chapter of life—the meaning of life and my own role in the grand scheme of things invites deeper reflection. Am I living to my full potential of joy? Spreading enough love? Learning and growing daily? Connecting with the people who are important in my life?
When hospice told me to get my grandmother’s affairs in order and I secured a company for cremation, they asked if I would like them to write her obituary. I considered their offer but decided to take on the task myself. I had been the primary person managing my grandmother’s care and household for the last three years—making multiple trips from my home in Virginia to hers in Florida as her needs changed—and this task, I knew, would be a sacred one. Here are the lessons I learned from writing my grandmother’s obituary: 
1.)   Ask your loved ones about their lives, even the small details. As I used the hospice form to fill out my grandmother’s life details, I was disappointed in myself that the names of all her siblings did not come easily to me; I had to research and even look up one of her sibling’s obituaries. Years ago, I had interviewed my grandmother and written a small book to celebrate her life, but in going back to it now, the content feels superficial and high-level; in the face of death, our views change. If I could do it all over, I’d spend more time with my grandmother and maybe even create a video featuring her life.
2.)   Make time to spend with your loved ones. Life is fragile. Work can wait. What is the worst case if you miss a deadline? Have you experienced a sudden death that made you wish you had more time? My grandmother has made it to age 91, but in 2016 I lost my childhood best friend. Life is short; make the time!
3.)   Write down what you want your legacy to be. While you’re at it, ask your aging family members how they would want to be remembered. Include the details—they are the personal touch that celebrates the gift of each person’s unique personality.

• For my best friend, I wrote, “Angie was a creative, fun, loving, and adventurous spirit. A poet and prolific singer/songwriter, she created and performed countless songs with the musical talent of her husband. Most recently, Angie wrote the song ‘40 West’ for her cousin’s first Nashville recording.” 
• For my grandmother, I said, “Margaret was by nature a creative person, bringing her unique touch to everything from costume- and jewelry-making to her gourmet meals. Margaret’s life was rich with loving family and very special friends, who were the source of much joy for her.”

As my tears flow, so too do the beautiful memories of those I have loved dearly over the years. I hold on to the positive and uplifting memories, and I try to uphold each of their legacies, from being playful daily as my best friend would want to spread love and kindness as my great-grandmother Pauline taught me. These days I am cooking the food that my grandmother taught me to make and sending pictures to her aids, so they can show her my kids and I cooking together. They say it always makes her smile. I also cook when I visit my grandmother—that is the bond we share, the legacy she has passed to me. It’s something I can do now to celebrate her life, while also spending time with my own kids.

​What one step can you take to spend more time being with and getting to know your loved ones, young and old alike? 

With other competing demands, I have not spent much time on marketing the kid's books I have written. So was pleasantly surprised to receive a Parent's Picks Award for my book If It Does Not Grow Say No - Eatable Activities for Kids and wanted to share the story of WHY I created the book.
I was a plump kid who had to bear the additional weight of comments like “Girls like you should not be eating any bread or rice” and “Good thing you are pretty and nice, so your weight will not get in the way of dating.” The “solution” to my weight issue was exercise and constantly restricted portion sizes, and it has taken me years (decades!) to build instead a healthy relationship to food.
These early experiences with food have made me passionate about educating and empowering kids towards healthy eating. Specifically, my work is to educate kids, parents, and teachers about how important it is to tell the WHY behind healthy eating. We need to empower kids by allowing them to make their own food choices and guiding them in noticing and responding to feelings in their body.
When I became a mother, I wanted to help my own children see healthy food as a friend so they wouldn’t have to go through what I did. As luck would have it, my son seldom ate vegetables without a fight. It felt as though he and I were in a constant battle about his eating, and we were both so frustrated. 
One night, as once again I was trying to get my son to eat his asparagus, and once again he was crying and gagging, I realized I had to change my strategy. I knew I needed a way to make healthy eating fun, not just something I commanded my son to do. So I created If It Does Not Grow, Say No: Eatable Activities for Kids, an activity book that helped us change the fights about food into fascination and laughter.
My approach is about curiosity, not demands. It’s about “How does it taste? How does it feel? Did you like it?” versus “You have to eat a plate of broccoli.” The activity book uses this same positive approach. Children of all ages will be entertained for hours as they
·        draw and write about their favorite foods
·        learn why fruits and vegetables are so awesome
·        try easy recipes for fun foods
·        get brave about trying new fruits and veggies
·        make food art
·        and find other ways to “play with their food.”
The activity book also helps teach kids (and grown-ups!) to slow down for mealtimes, how to enjoy and pay more attention to fruits and veggies, and how to make conscious choices for their health. These are lessons that naturally spread into other areas of their lives, making them stronger, healthier, happier kids... who grow into stronger, healthier, happier adults.
Eating is a life journey, so the activity book is simply a facilitation tool to start the discussion toward empowering you and your kids. Visit the book’s website www.doesnotgrowsayno.com for ideas on how to conduct fun food exercises, how to plan a rainbow meal, how to reduce your family’s sugar intake in fun ways, and much more.
Get your fruits and veggies ready; they're about to become very popular!